Saturday was my first gig since having the baby. It felt like I was re-entering the world. #Goodtimes - and we PLAYED that song too, lol.
WHY DIDN'T I TAKE ANY PICS ON THE GIG?
Truth: I didn't think of it. I had charged up my camera the night before and forgot it at home. Upon realizing this, I thought I'd just use my phone, but then I was too busy worrying about lyrics, my shoes, my sore throat (which came out of nowhere just before the show), mic volume, trying to find the room where they served the band dinner and trying NOT to be worried about anything!
This was taken AFTER I finally got home. AFTER my hair got all frizzed out in the damp air and AFTER the bandleader texted to say I had left my iPad behind and I turned the car around and ran back inside only to find that he had already just left with it. AFTER I ran to catch up with him in the parking lot and was relieved to find him getting into his car.
"I'm a basket case!" I said, shaking my head as I approached.
"No," he said with a smile. "You're a mom."
Anyway... The show itself was fantastic and a lot of fun! It was GREAT to be back! It's such a pleasure to work with outstanding musicians who are also so very nice and have such high spirit! I loved being there with them and being a part of the music that connected all those happy smiling faces on a packed dance floor. There really was nothing to be worried about. :)
Had a blast! Hanging onto that energy this week - with a smile.
xo
Misery was predicted and two people were lined up to help me. One person spent the night to help with the baby and another came in the morning to drive me to and from the appointment. As my "prep" work commenced the day before, I was told I seemed to be tolerating it well.
Honestly, I didn't think it was as bad as I'd heard it described. Then I realized that it was the most time I'd had to myself in months! I had the luxury of alone time! (I'll stop just short of saying it was "great.") I even got a warm blanket and a very nice nap! The truth is... my colonoscopy was a little bit like a vacation. ;)
Like a day at the spa...
This week I will be going to the REAL spa to celebrate my clean bill of health - thank you very much. LOL
I had been looking forward to my first Mother's Day as a mom. I had visions of it being just like another birthday and figured that my blog would talk of it something like that. (Yay! It's like another birthday! This is GREAT!)
Then I realized Russ would be traveling that day. Then I got sick.
Despite having gone to the ENT doctor twice, starting antibiotics and drinking plenty of fluids, I am just sick. I had been offered assistance, but it was just too much to deal with to coordinate. I ran out in the pouring rain for more cough medicine and face masks on Saturday. It was just me, the baby and the dogs on Mother's Day. Aside from all the nose blowing, I still loved it.
Russ left a banner and balloon which were covered up. A sign read "Do not remove cover until Sunday." There was a card too. #ThanksRuss. That was nice. I received texts from many friends and family members wishing me a Happy Mother's Day. That was nice too.
Since my throat was sore, I had a hard time singing and reading without coughing like crazy. We listened to a toddler music program. Some of these songs crack me up...
So cute and clever! Then I heard "Lunch Will Keep Us Together." When I looked it up to share here, I learned some more about it. Enjoy! I'm going to go have lunch. ;)
I was disappointed when Russ had to work early on Sunday. I had been planning on going to church and looking forward to it after my Saturday plans had completely fallen apart. If you read my last blog, you're familiar with my routine and understand why the thought of taking "little man" out to church by myself was so daunting, I didn't even consider it as an option. It was my mother who suggested I take him after I complained about not being able to go.
I hadn't attempted to take him out by myself yet. There are the dogs to take outside and get settled beforehand. There is the fact I have to carry him and the car seat down the stairs (I am currently in physical therapy for an abdominal condition/injury as a result of pregnancy), and the idea of getting myself, him, and the diaper bag ready all at once is pretty overwhelming.
I'd have to sit near the back of the church. I'd have to sit on the end. I'd have to get there early and be prepared to get up and leave quickly if he started screaming (he does that sometimes when he's wet).
I managed to shower, dress, change him, dress him and get the dogs squared away. I checked the time. There was 15 minutes left to get to the church - away we went.
He started to fuss in the car when we were still a block away and I said out loud, "This is not a good sign. We're not even there yet." I started to sing:
"Gets me to the church on time,
(church on time) terrifies me
(church on time) makes me party
(church on time) puts my trust in God and man..." (From David Bowie's Modern Love)
He settled down and we even got there in time! To my amazement he sat quietly all the way through the mass (even after the Gospel when I knew he had dirtied his diaper). The priest Blessed him when I brought him up to communion with me.
I had been fairly self conscious the whole time. I didn't notice any other infants there. It was a new church I'd only been to a few times. Maybe they didn't bring babies here. No one seemed to be giving me odd looks. I didn't want to shake hands during the Sign of Peace because I had to keep my hands sanitized in order to keep putting his pacifier back in his mouth and the lady behind me kept coughing. What would people think of me when I just nodded and said "Peace be with you" instead of extending my hand? He was seated in his carseat in the aisle next to me and I wondered if people would judge me for that. Maybe there was some section for children that I was clearly not in. The funny thing is that the Gospel and Homily were all about not judging a book by its cover. (Smile) The priest told this story about an Indian king who was snubbed at a Rolls Royce dealership while dressed in plain clothes and his reaction, and he encouraged us all to better manage our blindspots:
After mass, a lady came up to me and asked if I needed a ride home. I said, "No, that's ok - we drove." She said she had noticed the baby all bundled up and that I had a backpack and thought I might have walked. I explained, "No, it's just the first time that I'm bringing him anywhere by myself and so I brought everything." She smiled. She had three boys of her own and by the third one, she "only brought the bare minimum of essentials." Too funny! I was all worried about what people would think, the Homily's message was all about not judging, and the nice lady asked if I needed a ride.
It's true. We all do it. What if instead of judging, we ask questions (like the nice lady after church). What if we get to know other instead of just going with our assumptions?
I can't keep up. When did the world start moving past me at 160 miles per hour? I can speak with almost everyone I know in a matter of seconds online. Everyone has their own news feeds that I can't possibly keep up with. I start the day with the best of intentions to accomplish all kinds of things and with a "get up and go" attitude, then I just have to change a diaper real quick...
Then I have to change his clothes because he leaked. Then I have to throw in a load of laundry because he's almost out of sleepers. Then I have to just entertain him for a little while as long as he's up and about. When he starts to get fussy, I realize he's hungry. As I'm feeding him, he dirties his diaper again. I have to hold him upright for a while though, or else he'll spit up. I change him again when I think enough time has passed, but as soon as I get him all cleaned up he spits up all over his clean clothes and mine. Alright. I change him again and grab a fresh outfit from the dryer. I flip the laundry while I'm at it. I get him all cleaned up again and he finally settles in for a nap.
The dogs have to go out. The sink is full of dishes. I haven't peed or eaten anything in hours. The garbage is full. There are dirty tissues and blankets all over from his "spitties" and "wetties." They all have to go in the washer - but wait.I'll shower quickly first before he wakes up. I have to get out of the shower twice all dripping wet and sudsy to put his pacifier back in his mouth because it fell out and he started screaming about it. (Last week the toilet also got clogged up and I thought I might have a nervous breakdown as a result!)
When all of THOSE tasks are accomplished, I can't even remember what it was that I actually wanted to get done for the day and it doesn't matter because I need to take a nap while he is still asleep. The moment my head hits the pillow, he wakes up crying because he's wet and we start the whole routine over again because I am living in the movie "Goundhog Day."
Then it's blog day (SMH) and I seriously consider not doing it.
Last week Russ was working at home for a few days so I went grocery shopping. I got a new app for recipes and bought the ingredients to make a couple of things. While waiting in the check out line a Woman's Day magazine caught my eye and I threw it on my grocery pile.
When I got home the food had to be put away, the baby was crying and the dogs had to go out. As we were divvying up the tasks (thank GOD for Russ) I said, "I got a new recipe app. I'm going to make stuff. This is what I do now. I'm a happy homemaker."
Russ: "You're a happy homemaker?"
Tan: "Well, I'm not exactly happy, but I DID buy a Woman's Day magazine and THAT'S gotta count for something."
What's my point? #MOMMYIDENTITYCRISIS!!! LOL (And I AM happy about mommy life, just exhausted.) :)
I've talked to several people over the last few weeks who have tried to compartmentalize their life and social media postings. Some have separate sites for their "mommy" things, as opposed to their personal things. One had a separate page for her weight loss journey. They all ended up consolidating or combining sites in an effort to save time and sanity.
I guess my point is that while I'm not going to turn this into a "mommy" blog, the genuine aspects of my life include this now and I haven't completely figured out how everything is going to blend together here. While I haven't talked to a lot of people about what I've been up to lately, those that I have spoken with in depth have expressed an appreciation for me sharing experiences that they could relate to. I know that I have to be myself. I'm going to have to include this new (AND MAJOR) aspect of my life here while trying to hang onto my own individuality at the same time. I know everyone deals with this kind of identity adaptation when they become parents or go through some other type of significant life change too. All we can do is be honest and keep going. :)
