People are taking their flags down. People are not proud of this country. Women in this country have lost their rights. EVERY time I pick up my phone there is some new and horrific news item.
I have to balance the fight with the gratitude. Gratitude for what? For how far we've come? For the freedoms we have? For the foundations we were built on? NO TO ALL OF THAT. I am grateful for the idea though. There's a concept worth fighting for.
PEOPLE HAVE LOST THEIR DAMN MINDS and I have a young child. I want him to understand and know the beauty of something worth fighting for. He has to know something besides the fight. Members of the next generation have to believe in the dream of a better country, a better world. They have to know what it is we must fight for.
I remember happier times. I remember little moments. Many parents try to "make memories" with little pockets of happiness, adventure and tradition. We have to. Maybe it's a family outing, a consistent routine, a special event. "Remember that time we went to the beach?" (or toasted marshmallows, saw fireworks, went camping, etc.).
No, I am not proud of our country right now. I will be, though, when we all vote and make change. In the meantime, I will still wash down the patio furniture and toast marshmallows. I will barbecue and light sparklers. It's not giving up or giving in. It's making memories. It's taking time to recharge and strengthen. It's remembering what it is that we are going to fight FOR.
I can't keep up. When did the world start moving past me at 160 miles per hour? I can speak with almost everyone I know in a matter of seconds online. Everyone has their own news feeds that I can't possibly keep up with. I start the day with the best of intentions to accomplish all kinds of things and with a "get up and go" attitude, then I just have to change a diaper real quick...
Then I have to change his clothes because he leaked. Then I have to throw in a load of laundry because he's almost out of sleepers. Then I have to just entertain him for a little while as long as he's up and about. When he starts to get fussy, I realize he's hungry. As I'm feeding him, he dirties his diaper again. I have to hold him upright for a while though, or else he'll spit up. I change him again when I think enough time has passed, but as soon as I get him all cleaned up he spits up all over his clean clothes and mine. Alright. I change him again and grab a fresh outfit from the dryer. I flip the laundry while I'm at it. I get him all cleaned up again and he finally settles in for a nap.
The dogs have to go out. The sink is full of dishes. I haven't peed or eaten anything in hours. The garbage is full. There are dirty tissues and blankets all over from his "spitties" and "wetties." They all have to go in the washer - but wait.I'll shower quickly first before he wakes up. I have to get out of the shower twice all dripping wet and sudsy to put his pacifier back in his mouth because it fell out and he started screaming about it. (Last week the toilet also got clogged up and I thought I might have a nervous breakdown as a result!)
When all of THOSE tasks are accomplished, I can't even remember what it was that I actually wanted to get done for the day and it doesn't matter because I need to take a nap while he is still asleep. The moment my head hits the pillow, he wakes up crying because he's wet and we start the whole routine over again because I am living in the movie "Goundhog Day."
Then it's blog day (SMH) and I seriously consider not doing it.
Last week Russ was working at home for a few days so I went grocery shopping. I got a new app for recipes and bought the ingredients to make a couple of things. While waiting in the check out line a Woman's Day magazine caught my eye and I threw it on my grocery pile.
When I got home the food had to be put away, the baby was crying and the dogs had to go out. As we were divvying up the tasks (thank GOD for Russ) I said, "I got a new recipe app. I'm going to make stuff. This is what I do now. I'm a happy homemaker."
Russ: "You're a happy homemaker?"
Tan: "Well, I'm not exactly happy, but I DID buy a Woman's Day magazine and THAT'S gotta count for something."
What's my point? #MOMMYIDENTITYCRISIS!!! LOL (And I AM happy about mommy life, just exhausted.) :)
I've talked to several people over the last few weeks who have tried to compartmentalize their life and social media postings. Some have separate sites for their "mommy" things, as opposed to their personal things. One had a separate page for her weight loss journey. They all ended up consolidating or combining sites in an effort to save time and sanity.
I guess my point is that while I'm not going to turn this into a "mommy" blog, the genuine aspects of my life include this now and I haven't completely figured out how everything is going to blend together here. While I haven't talked to a lot of people about what I've been up to lately, those that I have spoken with in depth have expressed an appreciation for me sharing experiences that they could relate to. I know that I have to be myself. I'm going to have to include this new (AND MAJOR) aspect of my life here while trying to hang onto my own individuality at the same time. I know everyone deals with this kind of identity adaptation when they become parents or go through some other type of significant life change too. All we can do is be honest and keep going. :)
