Last week I played with fire. I pushed myself too hard and I paid for it. I tried to do the impossible and I got burned. This past week was all about healing from that experience and taking away a lesson from it. I know where I went wrong. I didn't want to let go of anything.
After attending two shows in Buffalo that I really did not want to miss, I had to drive all night to get back to the NYC area in order to make a Monday morning appointment. I finally slept for a few hours on Monday afternoon, but then kept on working until 2am. Tuesday, I ended up in the doctor's office with a sore throat.
Fine. It was time to slow down and rest. I took my antibiotics and settled in for the healing process. I had plenty of time to reflect on how my unwillingness to let go of anything had made me sick, and how that can happen. I refused to miss those shows and I also refused to miss my appointment four hundred miles away. I knew I was past the breaking point and still I kept pushing to get things accomplished and make deadlines that I had set for myself. I did not listen to my better judgement. I felt absolutely lousy and knew I had done it to myself. I actually apologized for it to the doctor when he walked in. "I did this to myself - sorry" I said, as he frowned at me questioningly.
I think that we all do this to ourselves, to varying degrees, more than we realize. In my case last week it was obvious, but sometimes it's not that plain to see. What about when we don't let go of things and the consequences are not so bad? In what other ways do we allow toxins to slowly seep into our lives? When else do we smack down the voice of our better judgment? How does the fact that we do those things contribute to our overall health and well being? Could we be making ourselves sick this way, but slowly and almost imperceptibly? Is complacency our biggest enemy? What do we put up with, instead of letting go of, that could be contributing to making us sick - or at the very least, contributing to us not living up to our full potential? What attitudes do we hold on to that might be, in reality, holding us back? In what other ways do we sabotage ourselves, or play with fire?
What about toxic relationships? (Ding, ding, ding - the number one answer on the board.) Does a toxic work environment exist? (LOL - the number two answer.) How about when we don't stand up for ourselves or speak up for ourselves? How often do we look the other way when we see injustice? What about fear in general? To what thing do we give away our power by remaining complacent? (Serious questions.) What are we so afraid of that we allow these various poisons to creep into our field of energy? What forces are so strong within us, that we allow them to drown out the voice of our better judgment? Why DO we allow that? Can we change that habit?
Later in the week, I cancelled several activities in favor of restoring my health. I put everything else aside and listened to my own better judgement. I am now almost completely restored, but still taking it easy.
Maybe now is a good time to take a closer look at other fires I might be playing with - things that may make me sick, or otherwise hold me back - even if they don't burn me right away.
"Indifference may not wreck a man's life at any one turn,
but it will destroy him with a kind of dry-rot in the long run."
- Bliss Carman
Namaste,
T
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