Get Ready

Memorial Day will be about that day and not all this preparation. THIS will be the week to get everything ready. Ready for what? SUMMER, BABY!

We got shows to do, people to see, fun to be had... it's going to be AWESOME! 

Since the paperwork is out of the way, now the focus is on getting show-ready, spring cleaning, power washing, and seed planting. We are going to enjoy LIFE this summer. YES. WE. ARE.

Happy week everyone...

Love,

T

The God Zone

I had a writing session in Manhattan this week. The first thing I noticed after I parked the car was the giant "TD" on the building across the street. :)

With a smile, I headed to Starbucks. I ordered two sandwiches and some drinks for myself and the other writer. After spontaneously bursting out into song and dance when The Temptations' "Ain't Too Proud to Beg" came on - at THE SAME EXACT MOMENT the cashier did the same thing (causing several other customers and me to laugh) - my drink order came up and I hurried out to my session.

I had almost already passed by the homeless man out in front by the time I noticed him sitting there. I mentally reviewed my purchase, regretfully thinking that I had nothing extra to give, and kept moving, when I realized that I didn't even have my own sandwiches. I left without them! I turned around and headed back in, this time getting a full view of the man on the bench holding a sign. I inquired at the counter and was directed to the station that would be producing my two sandwiches shortly. The girl called my name and held up three sandwiches. I asked which two were mine.
       "All of them," was her response.
       "I only ordered two."
       "You paid for three. You can get a refund at the counter if you'd like." She indicated where the registers were. I didn't have time for that and collected all three from her. As soon as I turned toward the door, I realized who the third sandwich was for.
       "Ohhhh!" I said aloud as if God was standing there waiting for me to get it. I walked out and gave it to its intended recipient. "They gave me an extra sandwich. It's turkey bacon." The genuine "Thanks!" and smile had me thinking of all the signs we're given that we sometimes miss when we're too busy to notice. I almost hadn't noticed this man at all and was rushing to arrive to my session on time. God probably talks to us all the time like that. If only we heard the message more often.

The rehearsal studio was undergoing construction and the lobby on the main level was down to wall studs. My eyes scanned the elevator doors and their unfinished and wall-less edges, looking for the button. The attendant sat nearby like he was posing for a video shoot where he was playing the role of the despondent doorman. Smiling as I met his gaze, I asked him if there was a button or if it would just open when it came down. He pointed to the center of the two elevator doors and said, "the arrows." I laughed out loud when I followed his finger to a sign with THREE LARGE ARROWS pointing to a button to "PRESS HERE" for the elevator. He laughed out loud too! He said he got that all day long. Talk about being oblivious to the signs! There it was, in neon arrows! The day's events were reminding me of this scene in "Bruce Almighty."

Here's wishing us all a week in the God zone, where we see the signs. ;)

Namaste,
T

Dear Santa... About the Cookies...

Dear Santa,

I am very grateful for all the gifts… and for all the people who give them… but…

Could you please spread the word that I DO NOT WANT anything with an abundance of calories this year?  The cookies, brownies, ice cream, pies, chocolates and the like… the problem is that I LOVE them.  I eat them.  I eat them all.  I absolutely cannot have them in the house without gobbling them up.  I have accepted that.  That is why I do not buy them anymore.  Somehow they find their way into the house anyway.

Why?  Why do people insist on trying to make me jiggle?  Is it a plot against me?  Are their joyous smiles when they give me the offending sweets, disguised glee at my impending untimely demise?  Do they KNOW how eating these things could RUIN my LIFE?  Follow me here for a minute…

First, my jeans get a little tight, but it’s nothing I can’t blame on the dryer.  I just rearrange my jeans drawer so that the tight ones are in the back.  Slowly however, I find that I must buy new ones when NONE of them seem to fit.  I think, “Is the clothes dryer really getting that hot?” as I mope off to the mall wondering how I’ll pay for a new dryer on top of all the new pants I will have to buy and curse the maker of dryers thinking that it is a very cruel trick getting the dryer to run so hot after only a few years (and just after the warranty runs out) that it shrinks your pants so that you will have to purchase a new appliance.

THEN once I get to the mall, I discover that there is ANOTHER conspiracy going on with the clothing designers!  They have changed the sizes of things.  Entire STORES are involved too.  The shops that used to be my favorites are the biggest offenders.  They only carry pencil thin jeans that supposedly are my size AND they are also making tops that have absolutely no allowance for any kind of a chest!  I have to hunt for a new favorite store.  What is happening in the world!?  Now I have to scour through racks trying to find something that fits and maybe isn’t too “old lady” looking.  It takes longer and longer to find something cool and even if I do, I can’t really be sure. 

I have to check a magazine or something…  The only ones with cool things with ANY degree of sophistication WHATSOEVER have garments that I love, but they cost THOUSANDS of dollars!  Fine.  I give up.  I go home and catch an episode of “What Not to Wear” and learn that I need five thousand dollars to buy a new wardrobe and that I can NEVER be on that show lest they throw away my entire closet and inform me brutally that I am “frumpy.”  Sadly, I open up the box of Girl Scout cookies in the freezer and eat a few, vowing to wake up early the next day and do a workout.

I don’t know HOW it is possible to waste an ENTIRE day procrastinating because I do NOT want to do a workout.  I mean, what is my problem anyway?  Are twitter trends and what my Facebook friends are finding on YouTube really that important?  (Hang on a sec, I have to go pour the hot water over the delicious gourmet hot chocolate which is the ONLY thing making me feel better about this.)  OK I’m back.

I haven’t showered yet because it is a waste of time to shower right before a workout – and I’m still going to do one today.  Wait a minute… is that clock right!?  I’d better shower because I have to get to the grocery store before it closes.  I guess I’ll do a workout out tomorrow.  I’ll buy fat free hot chocolate.

After trying a variety of low fat and sugar-free items, I decide that they taste terrible and that THAT was a complete waste of money.  Haven’t I spent enough on new pants and household appliances?  I vow to never do that again as I sit at home hungry because the only thing in the fridge tastes like cardboard.  I call the diner for some decent food.  The onion rings are delicious.

This cycle goes on and on until the doctor says that I had better start watching what I eat and I read online someone’s post about how they can eat all the cookies they want because it is not their JOB to be in shape.  It is only the job of public figures in the entertainment and music industry to be physically outstanding.  Oh crap.  I have to either fight this machine or just call it quits forever.

After giving it some thought, I realize that THIS is the reason why I am not a millionaire yet! – too many cookies and this dang conspiracy on the part of clothing designers, clothing stores and the makers of dryers.  Wait… a…minute…

Aren’t more and more entertainers and music industry icons becoming clothing designers???  (I think I am on to something)  They are trying to eliminate the competition!!!  This is probably the reason they are changing the sizes!  They are purposely trying to depress us independent artists!  They are probably in cahoots with the other companies too – and what about the glass ceiling?  Aren’t most of these companies run by men?  Are their sizes changing too?  I haven’t heard any similar complaints from Russ.  OMG!  It’s a front, perpetrated by “tha man,” to keep a sista ROUND!  I will start a movement – an uprising.  We will occupy… occupy what? – our plus-sized old lady pants with the elastic waistband?  No.

No.  I will NOT succumb to this madness.  It will start with the elimination of calorie-filled gifts and assurances that I “can afford” to eat that delectable cake with the melt-in-your-mouth caramel frosting.  I will resist.  I will throw away those boxes of cookies and tins of tasty treats with perfectly wrapped bows on top.  I will stop calling them “treats.”  They are now… um… “doo doos.”  I will say “thank doo” as I look into the smiling face of those who maybe aren’t out to get me so much as victims themselves of the biggest conspiracy in the history of the entertainment industry.  I know better now.  I will NOT feel guilty for wasting perfectly good calories as I pitch those pretty boxes and sprinkles into the dumpster.

Thanks for the talk Santa.

------------------------------

P.S.

My mom has informed me that the preceding blog may be offensive to little old ladies.  Please allow me to assure you all that I do not intend these comments to offend anyone.  I love little old ladies.  I plan on being one someday.  I may be one right now – and that would be fine.  “Sophia” on “The Golden Girls” was always my favorite and I oftentimes strive to be just like her.  What would she say?  Probably that I’m not one yet and so, “eh, don’t worry about it… I’d be more worried about that outfit you have on if I were you.”

“It's too tight, it's too short and shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.” – from “Memorable Quotes for The Golden Girls” 
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088526/quotes

J xoxo