Dear Santa,
I am very grateful for all the gifts… and for all the people
who give them… but…
Could you please spread the word that I DO NOT WANT anything
with an abundance of calories this year?
The cookies, brownies, ice cream, pies, chocolates and the like… the
problem is that I LOVE them. I eat
them. I eat them all. I absolutely cannot have them in the
house without gobbling them up. I
have accepted that. That is why I
do not buy them anymore. Somehow
they find their way into the house anyway.
Why? Why do
people insist on trying to make me jiggle? Is it a plot against me? Are their joyous smiles when they give me the offending sweets, disguised glee at my impending untimely demise? Do they KNOW how eating these things could RUIN my LIFE? Follow me here for a minute…
First, my jeans get a little tight, but it’s nothing I can’t
blame on the dryer. I just
rearrange my jeans drawer so that the tight ones are in the back. Slowly however, I find that I must buy
new ones when NONE of them seem to fit.
I think, “Is the clothes dryer really getting that hot?” as I mope off
to the mall wondering how I’ll pay for a new dryer on top of all the new pants
I will have to buy and curse the maker of dryers thinking that it is a very
cruel trick getting the dryer to run so hot after only a few years (and just
after the warranty runs out) that it shrinks your pants so that you will have
to purchase a new appliance.
THEN once I get to the mall, I discover that there is
ANOTHER conspiracy going on with the clothing designers! They have changed the sizes of
things. Entire STORES are involved
too. The shops that used to be my
favorites are the biggest offenders.
They only carry pencil thin jeans that supposedly are my size AND they
are also making tops that have absolutely no allowance for any kind of a
chest! I have to hunt for a new
favorite store. What is happening
in the world!? Now I have to scour
through racks trying to find something that fits and maybe isn’t too “old lady” looking. It takes longer and longer to find
something cool and even if I do, I can’t really be sure.
I have to check a magazine or something… The only ones with cool things with ANY
degree of sophistication WHATSOEVER have garments that I love, but they cost
THOUSANDS of dollars! Fine. I give up. I go home and catch an episode of “What Not to Wear” and
learn that I need five thousand dollars to buy a new wardrobe and that I can
NEVER be on that show lest they throw away my entire closet and inform me
brutally that I am “frumpy.”
Sadly, I open up the box of Girl Scout cookies in the freezer and eat a
few, vowing to wake up early the next day and do a workout.
I don’t know HOW it is possible to waste an ENTIRE day
procrastinating because I do NOT want to do a workout. I mean, what is my problem anyway? Are twitter trends and what my Facebook
friends are finding on YouTube really that important? (Hang on a sec, I have to go pour the hot water over the
delicious gourmet hot chocolate which is the ONLY thing making me feel better
about this.) OK I’m back.
I haven’t showered yet because it is a waste of time to
shower right before a workout – and I’m still going to do one today. Wait a minute… is that clock
right!? I’d better shower because
I have to get to the grocery store before it closes. I guess I’ll do a workout out tomorrow. I’ll buy fat free hot chocolate.
After trying a variety of low fat and sugar-free items, I
decide that they taste terrible and that THAT was a complete waste of
money. Haven’t I spent enough on
new pants and household appliances?
I vow to never do that again as I sit at home hungry because the only
thing in the fridge tastes like cardboard. I call the diner for some decent food. The onion rings are delicious.
This cycle goes on and on until the doctor says that I had
better start watching what I eat and I read online someone’s post about how
they can eat all the cookies they want because it is not their JOB to be in
shape. It is only the job of
public figures in the entertainment and music industry to be physically
outstanding. Oh crap. I have to either fight this machine or
just call it quits forever.
After giving it some thought, I realize that THIS is the
reason why I am not a millionaire yet! – too many cookies and this dang
conspiracy on the part of clothing designers, clothing stores and the makers of
dryers. Wait… a…minute…
Aren’t more and more entertainers and music industry icons
becoming clothing designers??? (I
think I am on to something) They
are trying to eliminate the competition!!! This is probably the reason they are changing the
sizes! They are purposely trying
to depress us independent artists!
They are probably in cahoots with the other companies too – and what
about the glass ceiling? Aren’t
most of these companies run by men?
Are their sizes changing too?
I haven’t heard any similar complaints from Russ. OMG! It’s a front, perpetrated by “tha man,” to keep a sista
ROUND! I will start a movement – an uprising. We will occupy… occupy what? – our plus-sized
old lady pants with the elastic waistband? No.
No. I will NOT
succumb to this madness. It will
start with the elimination of calorie-filled gifts and assurances that I “can
afford” to eat that delectable cake with the melt-in-your-mouth caramel
frosting. I will resist. I will throw away those boxes of
cookies and tins of tasty treats with perfectly wrapped bows on top. I will stop calling them “treats.” They are now… um… “doo doos.” I will say “thank doo” as I look into
the smiling face of those who maybe aren’t out to get me so much as victims
themselves of the biggest conspiracy in the history of the entertainment
industry. I know better now. I will NOT feel guilty for wasting
perfectly good calories as I pitch those pretty boxes and sprinkles into the
dumpster.
Thanks for the talk Santa.
------------------------------
P.S.
My mom has informed me that the preceding blog may be offensive to little old ladies. Please allow me to assure you all that I do not intend these comments to offend anyone. I love little old ladies. I plan on being one someday. I may be one right now – and that would be fine. “Sophia” on “The Golden Girls” was always my favorite and I oftentimes strive to be just like her. What would she say? Probably that I’m not one yet and so, “eh, don’t worry about it… I’d be more worried about that outfit you have on if I were you.”
“It's too
tight, it's too short and shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.” – from
“Memorable Quotes for The Golden Girls”
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088526/quotes
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0088526/quotes
J xoxo
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